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Archive for the ‘Rantings’ Category

O_O

Posted on: July 19, 2011

I wonder why I have a lot of free time this week. Too much actually. I’ve been sleeping for more than 8 hours three days straight! That isn’t normal for a law school student in her fourth year. Maybe I’m just lucky this week because I was able to finish most of the stuff I have to do during the last couple of days. And not that I’m complaining– sometimes when you’re just so used to doing so many things that you’d wish there were more than 24 hours in a day and then this day happens when practically nothing is left to do. It sorts of destroys the usual routine of being busy which somehow bothers me.

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Today was rather odd.

It’s like watching a movie when you already know what’s going to happen at the end;

Or like buying a bagful of candy only to be stolen from you;

Or expecting the worst when what in reality happened was just a little less than what you thought was worst which makes everything more complicated because you aren’t really prepared for something in between;

Or something like being too hopeful then suddenly reality bites you really hard that it leaves a big fat red mark.

Well, in essence, something was not right today. I refuse to believe it but I just have to.

It’s just like keeping a pair of really skinny jeans just in case you get thinner in the future.

But you know that some dreams are possible only when you’re asleep.

Because you know that fairy tales don’t come true and that romcom movies are just made to rake in profits.

Much of it you want to blame the system for making you feel like that. But that you can’t do because you can’t snap in the middle of writing a paper that’s due tomorrow.

When you try to blabber so much and be so verbose about stuff that can be explained in just one line

That he’s just not that into you…

Unlike you who’s into him.

But hopefully not in too deep (!!!)

And what I’m trying to say is that. Well. That feeling sucks.

X_X

It seems like I’ve been posting right before the school starts. I actually forget that I have a blog that needs to be updated every so often. But who cares? Nobody reads it anyway. Except for a very few readers (meaning one or two). But anyway, first things first.

First sem was awful. It was really a test of physical, mental and psychological stamina. I’d have three grueling subjects on tuesdays and thursdays and have the full week (monday to saturday) studying. I was just sooooo glad it was over. And imagine, during those times, I was hospitalized for almost a week because of my peculiar condition (apparently, Crohn’s disease is really really rare among Asians) and had to be scoped once during the same week. And I actually fasted 2 straight days, unable to eat correctly because it was shocking to my body to eat then to excrete all of them in one sitting (well technically, throughout the day, but i was confined in the hospital room). There was some sort of mass discovered, which unfortunately is still here, that makes my life more complicated and painful. But the mental mantra for the entire sem was that “I CAN DO THIS”.

Of course, I’m no superhuman and I still succumb to bouts of sadness and depression (not clinically), especially when the pain was so overwhelming that it is no longer bearable. I go to my bed and curl up in a fetus like position and hope that the grumbling and intestine-twisting will go away. On some days, it worked; but on others, I was not just very lucky.

Just recently, I went to a surgeon because of the mass that won’t go away, and he told me that Crohn’s is like my husband now. (Wow thank you so much). I figured, I’ve got too many fictitious relationships–one with Crohn’s (which my mother fondly calls Croni) and the other with my law degree, which they say is like a jealous mistress (in my case, my kabit). But these are just the lighter side of things; things that I think of when I get really down and sad and teary eyed. I guess I just have to suck it all up. We gotta do what we gotta do!

And this recent phase of abominable stomach pain caused me to cancel my first ever out of the country trip to SG. My clothes never even made it to the maleta but they were already ready to be packed. Prior to the packing, Croni was unstoppable and I couldn’t bear it at all. My mom said we won’t go and imagine how my heart broke. I was very sad. Not only because we’ve already spent quite a lot in booking the hotel and paying for the airfare, but also because I’ve realized how heavy the impact of the disease in my life. Preparations no longer matter because I wouldn’t know when this thing will hurt. Plans, futures, goals… seem harder to achieve. But if there’s anything I learned recently, it’s that we gotta live life one day at a time and make sure that we’re enjoying it.

Well that’s it for now.

A lot of things happened since my last blog post (obviously, because almost three months have passed!). Although I’m not very eager to recount them in detail, I’d like to do a bit of a summary–since we have no classes tomorrow and I’ve found that this weekend has rather been relaxing.

Two weeks ago I was hospitalized. It was my first time to be confined, and I don’t want to be in that sad place again. According to the chaplain and the maintenance staff who came into my room, I’m probably the youngest patient they have in the unit–which made me extra sad because when you’re at the prime of your youth, you shouldn’t be in that place. I was in denial for about a week after I was discharged, and it was a rollercoaster of emotions. I couldn’t believe that I’m sick and it would take at least 6 months to get me back to my original state.

The doctor said I had Crohn’s Disease. He described this as one of the many diseases of the civilization. It wasn’t exactly the best description to be blurted out when you’re in the hospital. (What the heck–I’m a clean individual–I don’t want to be part of the statistics) But it had to be said–at least it wasn’t chronic or life-threatening. Nonetheless, precautions have to be made because according to my doctor, the most severe effect of having this disease is cancer. But that’s farfetched and I’m determined to become healthy again. (post script–but the biopsy indicated I was positive for ulcerative colitis and not Crohn’s)

So I’m pretty vulnerable now–physically and emotionally. I keep on comparing myself with other people. “They like eating at McDonald’s too…what’s wrong with me?” Hopefully I get to overcome these questions and think that everything has a purpose.

Many things are put on hold–I find myself easily tired. I can’t engage in rigorous physical activities…I think even walking up and down the stairs is becoming a burden. I can’t dance, I can’t laugh too much, I can’t eat out…Many sacrifices have to be made. Maybe I’m just being too emotional or overreacting–but I think when you get so used to a “carefree” life, when you can do anything you like, putting them on hold makes the physical pain, well, more painful mentally.

But I expect to understand these things sooner. I don’t want to be consumed by sad thoughts.

AJA.

1. Last Tuesday marked the “back to school” event at Malcolm. There were a whole bunch of new and eager faces in the building. I just laughed at the fact that I once used to look like them. But the workload is still manageable, but who knows what will happen next week! It’s gonna be hell all over again!

2. Certainly, there’s no air of mystery over me. And I’ve changed. That’s what I’ve told my friend that I’ve become more amiable and accommodating. But still it didn’t work. Boo!

3. I’m back to reading again. And my pace is a little slower. It takes time to get used to it; hopefully it’ll be back soon.

And P.S. to you: I don’t want to know anymore. It’ll only break my heart. 😦

Lalala. My mind is going crazy right now.

Random thoughts

1. I left my PC on for about 2 hours now as I was downloading Grey’s Anatomy Season 6 Episodes 1 and 2. But the downloading was unsuccessful. WI-FI connection has limited connectivity. It was such a waste of electricity.

2. I dread the idea of going back to school. I’m checking the schedules and it reminds of law school hell.

3. I want to go back to the beach. Any beach that is not dirty and has clear waters.

4. Have you ever tried food tripping online? Really a gastronomical feast for the eyes. But the stomach is suffering–telling you that it should have been the reality. That I should be actually eating 😐

5. I kinda fixed my stuff but not really. Just found a couple–no, not a couple–a lot of letters. Palanca/reco/retreat letters. Took my time off the PC and the TV!

6. Bored as hell. Like o-my-gosh.

P.S. For my muse: Do you still have the small paper I gave you?

If there was one thing I’d like to be other than a lawyer, I’d like to be a full time ballerina–or at least until I become bored, tired and old to do it. When I was growing up, I thought that it was just a hobby because academics were always my priority. But every time I see people dance (either live or in Youtube), I feel a little envious and wish that I was also performing out there. However, ballet is such an expensive sport and it requires dedication and 100% focus and attention. With the little time I have for myself, I can’t afford to lose some of it to dancing. And if we can’t give our 100%, it feels like we’re robbing the audience of their precious time.

My primary motivation for dancing ballet when I was a kid was to have a tiara. I never stopped until I got one–and when I finally had one, I still continued dancing. And then when I was old enough (and hopefully graceful and pretty dancer haha), I was given roles and they really thrilled me. It made me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Like 32 counts of fouettes!

Black Swan (Odile) in Swan Lake was my dream role. I said to myself that if I get to do it, I’d be happily retiring my dancing feet. But after actually performing it three years ago, I realized I was yearning for more dance pieces. For tougher, stronger ones. I think I was ready to “transcend” to another level!

But sad thing is, I can’t. Because of law school.

I guess it’s the price I have to pay for wanting to be a lawyer more than a dancer.